November 13, 2011 by markstani
The latest excerpt from my novel, The Dukes Of Fryup:
There’s loads of loonies in our village. Some of them aren’t really loonies, they just act like it. Loony is short for lunatic, which means someone foolish or eccentric. This is a list of the top ten loonies in our village.
Fat Claire lives up Back Moor Lane. She lives in a tiny house and has a tiny dog. This is weird because she is so fat. She is nearly as big as John Brower Minnoch. John Brower Minnoch is the fattest man in the world. He lives in America. He weighs ninety-nine stone. Every time he wants to go for a shit, twelve firemen have to come and lift him. Fat Claire talks to herself and makes spells. She is a white witch. A white witch is like a normal witch, except not with broomsticks or potions. If Fat Claire is a white witch we don’t know why she doesn’t make a spell to go thin. We have never dared play any tricks on her in case she can turn us into frogs.
Odd Kirk lives in a shed and always keeps his curtains shut even when it’s sunny. He only goes out at night. This means he is nocturnal. Other examples of nocturnal are badgers, owls and vampire bats. He’s called Odd Kirk because he’s called Kirk and everyone says he’s odd. Dazzler’s mum says you wouldn’t have him pop round for no baby-sitting, that’s for sure. He’s big and has really long arms. He hangs them down like a gorilla. He might be stronger than the World’s Strongest Man but because he’s a loony he’s not allowed to enter. The World’s Strongest Man is Jon-Pall Sigmarsson. He’s from Iceland. He can pull trucks.
Marcie Flapjacks lives in the last house going up to the tip and wears clothes that make her boobs hang out. She wears bright red lipstick and stilettos even though she’s old. Dazzler’s dad says she’s mutton dressed as lamb. He also says she’s away with the fairies, and she’s a right tart. We looked up tart. It said, an open pastry case containing jam. She gets drunk and dances and sings in the middle of our street. If you shout ‘show us your tits’ at her, she sometimes does, except she never has when we’ve tried. Once we went up to her house and waited ages for her to come out.
Us: show us your tits.
Just when we shouted it Mrs Jenkinson walked past.
Mrs Jenkinson: I do beg your pardon.
We don’t know why she’s called Marcie Flapjacks, she just is.
There’s another thing we forgot to mention about Limp Man. He’s always staring at the pornos but pretending not to.
Skinny Annie Ellis
Skinny Annie Ellis lives up the High Street. She’s the thinnest person in the whole wide world. If you held a bit of string up in front of her you wouldn’t be able to see her. She has suckered-in cheeks and fish-lips. She looks like a ghost. This is because she’s anorexic. We looked up anorexic. It said, involving, producing or characterized by a lack of appetite.
Dazzler’s dad: what that lass needs is a good square meal.
Bobby Sands was an anorexic. He was a Provisional Irish Republican Army volunteer. Skinny Annie Ellis used to be a school dinner lady. She’s probably anorexic because of seeing school dinners every day. The worst school dinners in order are curry with currants in, boiled fish and frogspawn. If you had to eat them all together it would be a triple forfeit. Once we sneaked up to Skinny Annie Ellis’s house and left a Mr Kipling’s French Fancy on her front path. The next day it was still there but squashed.
The Hunchback Kid
The Hunchback Kid works on the fair but he’s not a gypo. He has a lump on his back like he has a pillow stuffed up his tee-shirt, but he doesn’t. He works on the swingboats. He shouts at you to get off when your five minutes are up. He stands where he can look up the girls’ skirts. Round the back of the swingboats is where May Ventress shows you her boobs for a fiver. Wayne’s brother says May Ventress is a slag. We looked up slag, it said, vitreous refuse left after ore has been smelted. If the Hunchback Kid touches you when he gives you your change, you have to wash your hands or you might grow a hump as well. Once Gareth Outhwaite slapped his hump for a quid.
Trolleyman walks up and down the street pushing a Liptons trolley with nothing in it. There’s a line of spit going from his mouth to the pushing handle. He talks to himself. Fat Gavin’s mum says the poor man must be suffering from shell-shock. Once we followed him to find out where he lives, but he just kept going up and down the street. We started chucking rocks at him to make him stop. One even hit him but he carried on. Then Old Dobbo came out.
Old Dobbo: leave the poor man alone.
The Knicker Ripper
The Knicker Ripper ripped Sally Jenkinson’s knickers off down by the canal. The cops never found him. Some people think Sally Jenkinson made it up because she’s a Jehovah’s Witness. Once she got Wayne done at school for lifting her skirt up. Except she wasn’t making it up that time, Wayne actually did it. He said he wanted to see what colour knickers Jehovah’s Witnesses wore. The answer is white. If there was a reward, we would launch a special investigation into the Knicker Ripper. Our list of suspects is:
1 Limp Man
2 Odd Kirk
3 a gypo
The gypos (who we’ve already told you about)
Zack’s a sort of loony because he never talks. He just runs round pretending to be a car. Once we were laughing at Zack’s pretend car because it wasn’t making any noise. Gammy Leg Arthur came past. Gammy Leg Arthur got gangrene and had to have a bit of one of his legs sawn off.
Gammy Leg Arthur: don’t you listen to them Zack, they just haven’t heard of electric cars yet.
We thought about adding Gammy Leg Arthur to our list of loonies for saying that. There’s no such thing as electric cars.
Wayne: what happens if there’s a power cut.
Fat Gavin: what happens if you’re driving in the fast lane and someone turns the plug off.
Dazzler: or if you drive too far from the plug and the wire snaps.
Once we tried to get Zack to talk by tying him up in the car park woods. We told him we’d let him go if he said please. Then we saw Holly and Chantal walking up the high street, so we ran off to follow them. We completely forgot about Zack. After it got dark, Holly and Zack’s mum came round crying because she couldn’t find Zack. We said we’d go on a special mission to find him. We ran down to the car park woods and untied him and took him home. We said we’d found him up the lane. Holly and Zack’s mum gave us loads of chocolate bars.
Holly and Zack’s mum: how can I thank you boys enough.