November 4, 2011 by markstani
The latest short excerpt from my novel, The Dukes Of Fryup
The top three girls to snog in our school, in order from best to worst, are:
1 Holly Hewlett
2 Chantal Brown
3 Lucy Williamson.
None of us have snogged any of them. Willo says he snogged Joanne Green at the fair once, but he’s lying. Fat Gavin hasn’t snogged any of them, because he’s a great fat flump. That’s what Wayne says. Wayne says Fat Gavin’s so fat the only girl who’d ever want to snog him is Sally Morris. Wayne’s the only one who can call Fat Gavin a big fat flump because he does karate. Wayne could burst Fat Gavin’s belly open with one kick. If he did, so much food would spew out that we’d all drown in it. It’d be like a giant Crackerjack gunge tank. If anyone else calls Fat Gavin a big fat flump, he tries to bellyflop them to death. He almost bellyflopped Gregory Mouncey to death at the swings once. We told Fat Gavin Gregory Mouncey had called him a great fat flump, even though he hadn’t. After half an hour Gregory Mouncey’s face started going blue and we told Fat Gavin he should probably stop. Big Daddy bellyflopped King Kong Kirk to death. It was on the news.
You’d never snog Sally Morris, not even for a million pounds. You’d get the lurgi and die before you could spend it. It takes five years to count to a million. If you gave May Ventress a million pounds she’d show you her boobs two hundred thousand times. Fat Gavin worked it out on his calculator.
Chantal Brown is a Paki. That’s what Dazzler’s dad says. A Paki’s a kind of nigger. There are loads of niggers in borstal. Niggers are proper brown and come from Africa. We’ve never seen a nigger except on the telly. May Day is an example of a nigger. She was in View To A Kill. May Day is the hardest woman in the world. She chucked a man out of a helicopter and just laughed. We went to the cinema to see it. There was a bit where you could have seen May Day’s boobs, but she was walking the wrong way.
Someone: oi, turn round.
Everyone laughed, and the old fogeys with torches went round shushing everyone.
Someone: stupid nignog.
Everyone laughed again, except maybe Chantal Brown. After the film we went home and Holly’s mum was in her garden.
Holly’s mum: was it worth watching then, ooh that Roger Moore.
We looked up nignog in Fat Gavin’s dictionary. It said nightwear and nigrescent, but it didn’t say nignog.
The next day we were having tea at Dazzler’s house.
Dazzler: mum, I don’t like mushrooms, they’re nigrescent.
Fat Gavin snorted a bit of his food out because he was trying not to laugh. It came down his nose like a carrot-coloured bogey. It just made us laugh even more.
It was almost a year since Bobby Allan died. A few weeks after, someone had gone up and pinned some flowers up on the new fence. Then loads of other people went up and did the same thing until it looked like a flower shop. Some of them had cards with them, but you couldn’t read most of the messages because they’d been washed away by the rain. When the flowers died they just hung there brown and wrinkly, and the plastic wrappers flapped in the wind. Then one day they all disappeared. People wrote letters to the Gazette asking where they’d gone. Wayne’s brother said the gypos must have come and nicked them, to hide the truth about the curse. In the end the council said they took them because they were causing a safety hazard.
Our mums: it’s a flaming disgrace what they’ve done to that poor lad’s tribute.
Our mums: hasn’t his mother suffered enough.
Now no-one went up and hung flowers there. Gareth Outhwaite and Keith Ingleton went up once to see if they could find any bits of Bobby Allan’s motorbike or blood. They climbed the fence but they couldn’t find anything. When Wayne’s brother found out he got Gareth Outhwaite and nearly strangled him, then he shoved him in the beck. He told him to let Bobby Allan rest in peace.
Wayne’s brother: that goes for the rest of you and all.
Nothing else had changed, unless you included Dolores Craven’s boobs growing even bigger. It was like everyone had forgotten about Bobby Allan. Even Frog Eyes had gone back to sitting on the war memorial steps. Sometimes she even sat right at the top, next to Wayne’s brother. Wayne’s brother probably thought now that Bobby Allan was dead, Frog Eyes would get back with him. Wayne’s brother still spat and shouted at everyone, and Kenny The Cormorant was still a dick. Since he got rid of his bike he’d just started going round on the back of Wayne’s brother’s.
We still had Bobby Allan’s bandana. It was hidden in a secret compartment in Fat Gavin’s bedroom. It was too risky to hide it at any of our other houses. Once Dazzler’s mum found a catalogue open at the bra page tucked down the side of Dazzler’s bed.
Dazzler: it must have fell open.
The bit of blood had gone brown. It didn’t smell of anything. We hadn’t looked at it for ages. We thought about putting it on his grave. Boby Allan’s grave was next to Mickey Turnbull, the boy from our school who got killed in a car crash. When Mickey Turnbull died, there was a special assembly to tell us all about it. Everyone was sad for a bit, then they just carried on. They took his name sticker off his drawer and his coat peg, and someone else sat in his seat.
We decided there was no point putting Bobby Allan’s bandana on his grave because if we did, the next time his mum came to visit she’d have another epi and chuck it away. Also because it would give us protection when he avenged his death.
It was too hot to avenge Bobby Allan’s death at the moment, so we just walked round doing stupid things like daring each other to knock on doors or steal stuff from the Liptons. The summer holidays had only just started but there was nothing much else to do. They said it was going to be one of the hottest summers on record. If Gregory Mouncey was out it was a bit less boring, because we could do stuff to him. You told him things to make him go near the beck, like there was a massive trout in it or a girl sunbathing with her top off.
Gregory Mouncey: no there isn’t.
But we’d keep telling him until in the end he believed us. Sometimes it took all day. Once it even took two days. We told him there were some gold coins under the waterfall. Fat Gavin even got some coins from his coin collection and pretended to get them out of the beck and showed him. Gregory Mouncey made us swear on our lives. We swore on our lives except we crossed our fingers and reflected our watches back so the swear went back on him. Then he came up to look, and we pushed him in the beck.