October 16, 2011 by markstani
Here’s a (very) brief extract from my novel, The Dukes Of Fryup:
Jeremy Scott was born again. Being born again is when you suddenly start believing in God. It’s the worst thing that could happen to you in the whole world, apart from getting cancer or going to borstal. Some of the things you have to stop doing if you get born again are smoking fags and looking at pornos and chucking Gregory Mouncey in the beck. You’re not allowed to gel your hair or go out on your bikes on Sundays. You have to go to church and help out at Blue Peter Bring-And-Buy sales. You have to be nice to people even if you hate them. You have to un-crush your testicles.
You can’t help being born again. It just happens, like you’re walking along and a flash of lightning suddenly hits you. Lightning is God’s finger. If he burns you you go to hell. If he doesn’t burn you you’re born again. It happened to Alex, one of the leaders at Adventurers. Adventurers is like a youth club, except it’s all about God.
Alex: I used to be a bad lad until I let the Lord in.
Dazzler: how did you let the Lord in?
Alex: He allowed me to see the error of my ways.
Wayne: what if the Lord got in and you didn’t want him in, like the hippies at Stonehenge?
Alex: it doesn’t work like that.
Just in case God was listening and thought we were asking him because we wanted to get born again, we told Alex to fuck off and ran out.
We made a secret pact that if any of us got born again, the rest of us would kidnap them and make them smoke fags and read pornos and chuck Gregory Mouncey in the beck until God got so mad he came back and un-borned them. We weren’t sure that was exactly how it worked, but we didn’t want to risk it.