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August 21, 2011 by markstani

Bobby Allan got killed by a gypo curse. It made him ride his bike off the quarry edge. Gypo curses make you die unless you cross their palms with silver. Or if you get a mirror and reflect the curse back on the gypos. The gypos always came in the holidays. They lived in caravans and parked up the lane past the rockpool. Sometimes they came round selling clothes pegs. My mum said, we’ve got enough bloody clothes pegs to last us a lifetime, thank you very much.

There’s gypos, loonies, tramps and hippies. Gypos are dirty and try to nick stuff off you and put curses on you. Loonies are all mad and stupid and dribble. Tramps live in hedges and are really old. Hippies chuck stones at coppers and live near Bristol.

Bobby Allan was in the Outlaws. So were Wayne’s brother and Kenny the Cormorant. They went round on scramble bikes and wore yellow bandanas round their heads and leather jackets with arm tassles. Wayne’s brother was a psycho. We looked it up. It said, a person suffering from chronic mental disorder, esp. with abnormal or violent social behaviour. Wayne’s brother had two tattoos, one of a panther’s head and one of a pirate skull. He had a gold tooth from where someone had smashed him with a snooker cue in borstal. He had a patch on his leather jacket that said Motorhead, Killed By Death.

Kenny the Cormorant wasn’t a psycho, he was just a dick. He was called Kenny the Cormorant because of one day at the Liptons. It was Dazzler’s turn to do an official dare. If you don’t do an official dare you have to do a forfeit. If you don’t do a forfeit you have to do a double forfeit. If you don’t do a double forfeit you’re out of the gang for ever.

Dazzler’s dare was to nick some stuff from the Liptons. Nicking stuff from the Liptons is the easiest dare in the world. Once we nicked a pack of fish fingers and went up the high street posting them through all the letterboxes. We thought it might get in the Gazette about the fish finger mystery, but it didn’t. Once we nicked a tin of carrots and went outside and gave it to an old fogey and told him it was for harvest festival. Once we nicked a Sara Lee Black Forest Gateau. Dazzler just carried it out of the shop. No-one tried to stop him because they all thought he must have paid for it, because if he hadn’t he’d have tried to hide it. We splatted Gregory Mouncey with it, then we chucked his bike in the beck.

Liptons Limp Man was the security guard. He used to work at the mill then his leg got mangled. He kept patting our pockets to see if we’d nicked anything, but really he was trying to feel our nobs.

When we got to the Liptons it was shut. Two old fogeys were there. One said, they just seem to close up when it takes their fancy these days. Kenny the Cormorant was there, except we didn’t call him Kenny the Cormorant then, just Kenny. He was with Dolores Craven. Dolores Craven had the biggest boobs in the world, except maybe Dolly Parton. Dazzler said, if there’s a world record for the biggest boobs in the world that means Norris McWhirter has to go round measuring them. When I grow up I’m going to be an official Guinness of Records boob measurer.

Kenny the Cormorant was wearing a security guard uniform. He said, what are you little nobheads doing down here.

Wayne said, where’s Liptons Limp Man.

Kenny the Cormorant said, why, do you want to shag him or something.

Dazzler said, why are you guarding something that’s closed.

Kenny the Cormorant said, come here and say that, you little fucker.

Dolores Craven lit a fag. She said, Kenny’s been to borstal haven’t you Kenny. For murder and that.

We knew he hadn’t, because if you murder someone you go to borstal for ever, then when you’re old enough to go to proper prison.

Kenny the Cormorant said, fuck off.

Wayne got a trolley and said, my name’s Kenny and I’m guarding a trolley.

Kenny the fucking benny.

Kenny the Cormorant started chasing us. He was rubbish at running. He couldn’t even catch Fat Gavin, who was always last on sports days. We ran back to Fat Gavin’s house because it was closest. We looked up shag. It said, 1 a rough growth or mass of hair etc; 2 a coarse kind of rough tobacco; 3 a cormorant.

Kenny the Cormorant.

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