August 9, 2011 by markstani
At least twice when you were a teenager, you painted your bedroom walls matt-black. You wore a Fields Of The Nephilim tee-shirt. You claimed never to wash it, but you rinsed it in secret. You pierced your own nose, but it went septic, leading to you having to spend at least a fortnight shut up in your matt-black bedroom. To avoid school sports, you forged notes from your parents claiming you had serious asthma. You smoke Lambert & Butler cigarettes, which have now, ironically, given you serious asthma. You once went vegan but fainted too often.You burned all your old school photographs, and now secretly regret it. You have a virtual girlfriend. You were sacked from your job as a local radio disc jockey after making lewd on-air comments about the weather girl. You have spent many years trying and failing to grow dreadlocks.
You spent most of your teenage years in your bedroom trying to tune into the emergency services on your clock radio. You used to think wearing luminous odd socks was cool. Your first sexual experience was with the babysitter, after a fashion. Your best break on a full-size snooker table is sixteen. Your favourite food is microwaved lasagne. You occasionally send off for things advertised on the back of cereal packets, whether you want them or not. Every single pair of trousers you currently own came from Concept Man. Your favourite ever tennis player is Stefan Edberg. You have a prominent mole. You own at least two Thompson Twins albums on vinyl. You once stumbled across a pornographic photo-shoot whilst rambling. You have broken your leg in a non-athletic way. You would not have the first idea what to do if there was a power cut.You have never quite got round to owning a dog.
Your greatest athletic achievement is winning a middle-distance race on school sports day. You subscribe to more than one adult movie channel. You have had a number of girlfriends whom you did not consider in the least bit attractive. You have been warned by the police for urinating in a public place. You have never eaten broccoli. You passed your driving test on your seventeenth birthday, but have never owned a car. You once won a modest prize on a daytime television phone-in competition. You have measured the size of your penis with a ruler. You go to the same pub at the same time every Friday night. You have a basic understanding of the offside rule. Every time you hear ‘Teenage Kicks’ by the Undertones, it makes you feel all fuzzy inside. You consider yourself a breast man. You have at least one friend who goes hare-coursing. You wear a necklace.
You occasionally cheat on your long-term girlfriend. You own a season ticket to a mid-ranking Championship football club. You have come to terms with the fact that you are prematurely balding. You are still friends with at least five people from primary school. In curry houses, you have been known to order something hotter than a vindaloo. You have had sex with someone at least twice your age. You have snorted flour in a nightclub toilet, believing it to be cocaine. You talk too loud on trains. You would fail to point out Belgium on a map. You have made hoax calls to Childline. You play five-a-side, and often exaggerate a limp afterwards. You have been known to extol the virtues of Greggs BLT baguettes to workmates. You have friends who are black. You have at least one misspelt tattoo. You pick all the Cola Bottles out of packets of Haribo.
You have been invited on at least eight stag parties. You consider yourself the world’s pre-eminent expert on Big Country. You once posted a firework through an old lady’s letterbox on mischief night, and feel guilty about it to this day. You maintain cow-tipping is possible. You still hold your secondary school’s triple jump record. You have been skinny-dipping with a girl with a flower for a name. You own a framed England rugby shirt signed by the entire team. Friends say you rustle up a mean Sunday roast, but you can never get the gravy quite right.You are a self-confessed fan of Latin American fiction. Your dad used to get angry when he came to watch you play sport. You have been mugged in at least three different countries. You enjoy eating at conveyor belt sushi restaurants, but have never had the nerve to go to one of those proper ones.
You claim to prefer swimming butterfly. Once, when your school staged a mock election, you stood for the Referendum Party and won. You have experimented with no end of different hairstyles, but never been entirely satisfied by any of them. The same goes for drugs. You once played poker for twenty-six hours straight and came out with exactly the same amount of money you went in with. You used to go out with a vicar’s daughter. You consider you have made sacrifices which will one day prove worthwhile. You read Twitter but never tweet. The last person you punched was your friend. Your ideal woman is Steffi Graf. You have walked down a street with a traffic cone on your head. You only eat the yolk bit of fried eggs. You wear tinted shades and walk slowly. You cannot abide children. You consider John Cougar Mellencamp the ideal driving music.