November 13, 2009 by markstani
(this story first published in Succour
The Ladies’ Group held a tasting of ten different puddings in the village hall. They were:
– treacle sponge
– caramel custard
– chocolate fondant
– chestnut crème vacherin
– apple charlotte
– summer pudding
– crème brulee
– cherry ginger crunch
Wayne Barnes got caught nobbing Carly Smurthwaite in the disabled toilet of a McDonald’s. Pants round his ankles, he said, ‘it’s tradition.’ Turned out Carly Smurthwaite had a history of celebrating with the winning goal scorer. Coach told Carly Smurthwaite her days as chief cheerleader were well and truly over. Carly Smurthwaite said, ‘I thought you’d be happy, like.’ She pointed out since she started her incentive scheme results had improved by fifty per cent. Siddy Lunn and Dean Marley got caught nicking straws. Siddy Lunn said, ‘they’re free anyhow.’ The McDonald’s guy said, ‘not the dispenser too, dickhead.’ Two miles down the road, Grady Williams chucked up his McChicken Sandwich over the back seat. During the mop-up, Ged Blowes lamped out the fire door and went missing. Conrad Scruton said, ‘he just said he was getting out of here.’ The cops were called. The bus was three hours late home. They found Ged Blowes next day, sleeping rough at Woolley Edge services.
The Aquarist Society held their annual presentation night at the Fox and Rabbit. First prize went to Mr M Smith with an albino guppy. Second prize went to Mr G Williams with a roshai guppy. Third prize went to Mr L Seed with an albino guppy.
Danny Swales skidded his souped-up Vauxhall Astra round the car park till his tyres went bald. It spat gravel, spewed techno. He hung out an arm and held on the wheel one-handed. Sometimes he missed corners and ramped over flower beds. Sent a rubbish bin spinning. A cigarette stuck from his lips. Sarah Daley sat in the passenger seat, reeking Anais-Anais and exhaust fumes. She stared forward.
Vintage Working Day
A Vintage Working Day was held at Boyes’ farm. Entertainment included motorbikes, shire horses, bouncy castle, steam engines, threshing, saw bench, tractor pulling, stalls, auction, bric-a-brac, tombola and plant stall.
Playing Fields Committee
Tammy Marsden and Kayleigh Barker sat up on the swings till after the chip shop shut. When the lights fizzed out they swigged the rest of their Lambrusco and crossed the street to the Kwik Save. Kayleigh Barker said, ‘you sure about this?’ Tammy Marsden took a spray can from her bag. She sprayed, ‘Blake Scruton is a homo’ on the front window. Kayleigh Barker took the spray can and sprayed, ‘and so is Jake Fearnley’ underneath. They were bathed in blue light. A cop said, ‘gotcha.’ Half-way back to the station Tammy Marsden said, ‘are we going to prison?’ The cop looked back over at her white thigh. He said, ‘I doubt it.’ Kayleigh Barker leaned through the seats, said, ‘we didn’t mean nothing.’ The cop studied her in the rear-view mirror. He said, ‘I know you.’ Then, ‘are you Kayleigh Barker?’ Kayleigh Barker said, ‘who’s asking?’ The cop said, ‘I went to school with your sister.’ He smiled through two bends. He pulled over in a lay-by. He said, ‘you take after your sister, huh?’ Kayleigh Barker scowled back. The cop kept watching. Kayleigh Barker slunk back, said, ‘what the fuck?’ The cop clicked the doors, said, ‘get out of here.’ The girls hiked back. The cop’s radio crackled. He shook his head, whistled through his teeth.
The popular monthly quiz night was held in the village hall. The answers were:
3. gravad lax
4. Ku Klux Klan
7. Germaine Greer
9. Snoop Doggy Dogg
10. Upper Volta
12. it cannot fly
14. ‘just like that’
17. Fatima Whitbread
20. chicken tikka masala
Artie Blowes stacked up his shotgun and headed out in the dark. He could hear the roaring a mile off. He brushed through the snarly grass by the edge of the lake. He aimed his gun in a copse. He said, ‘who is it?’ The voice said, ‘Jesus, help me.’ Artie Blowes said, ‘I ain’t Jesus.’ He elbowed branches and swung up his oil lamp. The lamp beamed on the youngest of the Thackeray boys. He clutched his ankle, dug in a wire loop trap. Artie Blowes said, ‘I knew it.’ His sock bled red. Next to him, rainbows rustled in a Kwik Save bag. Artie Blowes pointed with his gun. He said, ‘what you planning on doing with them?’ The Thackeray boy said, ‘get it off me.’ Artie Blowes said, ‘huh?’ The Thackeray boy said, ‘selling them.’ Artie Blowes shook his head. He said, ‘them brothers of yours.’ Then, ‘I’ve lost a fair lake-full.’ The Thackeray boy said, ‘it’s my first time, honest.’ His face lost colour. He said, ‘my leg.’ Artie Blowes said, ‘I got bigger traps than them.’ He reached and sprung it open. The Thackeray boy winced back, cried. When he tried to stand, he fell. Artie Blowes swung the lamp back to blackness. He said, ‘best you go reminding them brothers of yours.’
Gala Dog Show
Categories at the annual Gala Dog Show held at Thorpe’s Field on Sunday will be:
Dog with the waggiest tail
Dog looking most like its owner
Dog with the kindest eyes
Dog the judge would most like to take home
Most handsome dog
Most obedient dog
Marcia Wignall tugged off her Kwik Save coat and said, ‘is that the time?’ She took a boxed chicken bhuna from the freezer and put it in the microwave. She sparked a cigarette. She stubbed it and removed the bhuna before the ping. She forked a few mouthfuls straight from the Styrofoam. Billy Skaife came in the kitchen topless. She kissed him hello, handed him the bhuna. He ate a fork-full and tossed it aside. Marcia Wignall said, ‘best get a crack on.’ She headed in the bathroom. She stripped naked and dabbed a flannel at her privates. She smeared lipstick in the mirror and puffed her hair. She went in the bedroom and swept specks from the bed sheet. She clipped a frilly black bra and pulled on a panty and suspender set. She sprawled on the bed and shouted, ‘all set.’ Billy Skaife answered the doorbell. Barry Markham pushed past and said, ‘something smells good.’ He went in the bedroom, said, ‘well hey there, baby.’ He said, ‘all set?’ Billy Skaife followed in with a video camera. He said, ‘rolling.’ Barry Markham removed his trousers and pants. Marcia Wignall said, ‘someone’s all set.’ She unclasped her bra and reached for him.
Mrs N Willis was the guest speaker and she told the group about her recent trip in a convoy of trucks taking supplies to the Romanian orphans. Mrs K Ellis read a letter from the Cat Protection League, thanking the group for its donation of £128 from the recent bring and buy sale. The competition for prettiest scarf produced joint winners, Mrs V Kaye and Mrs M Fairbanks. Teas were served by Mrs K Ellis.
Casey Fairbanks told the ice cream kid to give her five minutes then come meet her in the car park woods. She tugged her top button. The ice cream kid counted up slow then scooted right out the serving hatch. Casey Fairbanks sneaked in the drivers’ seat and revved the 1964 Bedford straight up her estate. She handed out free cones and flakes before she heard the cops close in. She emptied the cash box and hitched off into town. She bribed a big kid to buy up fags and booze for the folks back home. She rolled up with a bin bag-full just as they sat down for tea. Casey’s mum said, ‘you got my Lamberts?’ Then, ‘that’s my girl.’
Results of the tractor ploughing tournament held at Thorpe’s Field: Class 1 (open): no entries. Class 2 (open): 1 G Scruton; 2 E Lunn; 3 R Ward. Class 3 (open): 1 G Scruton; 2 C Firth. Class 4 (open): no entries. Class 5 (open): no entries. Class 6 (open): no entries. Class 7 (open): 1 L Boyes; 2 A Thackeray; 3 G Boyes; 4 R Lunn. Class 8 (open): 1 P Lunn. Class 9 (open): no entries.
Feargal Manby asked for pizza and chips. Scotch Gordon said the microwave was buggered. Feargal Manby said, ‘just toss it right in.’ Scotch Gordon laughed and said, ‘think of the calories.’ Feargal Manby said, ‘what would a man like me want with calories.’ Feargal Manby said, ‘how’s business?’ Scotch Gordon said, ‘steady away.’ The pizza frothed in the fat. Scotch Gordon said, ‘good night?’ Feargal Manby said, ‘so-so. Dead.’ Two kids came in. The taller kid said, ‘give us some scraps.’ Scotch Gordon said, ‘cheeky bastards.’ The taller kid said, ‘they’re free aren’t they?’ The shorter kid said, ‘give us some.’ Scotch Gordon said, ‘not on their own, they’re not.’ The taller kid said, ‘give us some, you Scotch bastard.’ Scotch Gordon shook his head, hooked the pizza onto paper. Feargal Manby said, ‘I know your mothers.’ The taller kid said, ‘who asked you, piss-head?’ He reached for the pizza. He frisbee-d it across the shop. It glooped against the price list, slid to the floor. The kids ran off, laughing. Scotch Gordon said, ‘cheeky bastards.’ Feargal Manby said, ‘think of the calories.’
There will be a demonstration by the local branch of the Federation of Holistic Therapists in the Village Hall next Tuesday at 6.30pm when Sue Jacques will present a hopi ear candling demonstration. This is an opportunity to find out about the many conditions hopi ear candling can help with and how the candles form a seal when placed in the ear, which enables wax and other impurities to be drawn out.
Ernie Bulmer loaded up his wife’s bedtime milk with enough Nurofen to rid her of her supposed migraine headaches for the best part of eternity. He said, ‘night, then.’ He switched out the lights, couldn’t sleep. Next morning, when she didn’t stir, he headed out to the pig shed and told his pigs they were in for a right treat. When he got back his wife was sitting at the kitchen table. She said, ‘we’re all out of pills.’ She nagged him so much he took off into town for more. Half-way back, he fell asleep at the wheel. They cut him out. He broke both legs and lost his sight. His wife said, ‘I don’t know what we’ll do about them pigs.’
The latest meeting of the Woodturning Club was attended by 15 members and guests. Club member Geoffrey Halliday was the demonstrator. Geoffrey made a vase from two timbers. One was used to make a narrow neck with a flared rim, the body of the vase had a pattern drilled in the top so that when this was shaped the holes became elliptical. These holes were then filled with a decorative resin and the neck was fitted.
Darts & Doms
Jessie Smurthwaite checked out on a 125 finish. He got slaps on the back and his girlfriend grinned. His opponent bought him a beer and said, ‘top darts.’ His team captain said, ‘you’re too good for this league.’ Jessie smiled and slurped some more. A new guy stood next to him no-one knew. The new guy said, ‘Jessie Smurthwaite, huh?’ Jessie turned, nodded. The new guy said, ‘whole county’s heard of you.’ The new guy bought Jessie another drink. He paid with a fifty, flashed a wad. He said, ‘ton says you’re not as good as you think you are.’ Jessie smiled. Threw a fifteen dart leg, checked out on double top. The new guy gave Jessie two fifties, called another drink. Jessie fed the jukebox. The new guy said, ‘you got gear?’ Jessie smiled, shook his head. The new guy lifted his wallet. He said, ‘I’ll say it again. You got gear?’ In the car park, the new guy asked for grass and pills. He said again, ‘like I say, whole county’s heard of you.’ The new guy flashed a blade. Rifled Jessie’s pockets for grass and pills and fifties. Took the lot. Said, ‘you ought to be more careful.’ Drove away. In the pub, his team-mate let a match-winning double drift. His girlfriend smiled. She said, ‘you okay, babes?’
The weekly draw numbers were: 9, 13, 25, 46, 75 and 66. There are no winners.